Insomnia…

When all the world sleeps and snores along..
I sit and hum my melancholy song..
When will sleep find me too..
And take me into fantasies new..

What dreams have i missed in waking hours..
Whose face didnt i see today..
I guess this i never will know..
For what is gone again will never show..

Over long nights i wonder why..
Why does sleep let me by..
The same questions haunt me today..
That did a month ago, a wek ago and till yesterday..

Kindred souls online i find..
Birds of a feather, brothers of one mind..
Here in peace i do dwell..
Noone with anything to buy or to sell..

5/1/07

Let the Games begin..

I am in it again.. After a long break from my soul sisters from coimbatore, a couple of gals have taken it upon themselves to make me reduce , if not stop , the two Evil (not the capital letter please) habits that i have and which according to them will kill me before i hit 40..

Lets start with my first battle , the soul sisters i am talking about  are a group of 6 ex-engineering students who used to live together at Vineyard (that was wat the hostel was named). Two of them were ex classmates from school and the rest just took a liking for the seemingly nice guy and wanted to rid him of his evil traits. The fact that they were on a new found high of faith in God whose presence i am in denial of added to the masala.

That they failed is clearly visible, the only effect they had on me was that i now had extra baggage to carry around( a bible, which i am yet to use). It is true that i reduced considerably in the days when they were on the warpath.. I know for certain that they prayed to the Almighty to help his poor lamb lose the habit ( Fat chance).. Anyways i was pretty incorrigible then..

Forward to the present, the two valiant people who have taken this task upon themselves, are yet to understand what they are up against.. The only plus that might work their ways is that i am trying to break the habit.. Have actually reduced a little and seem to be on the way to recovery.. Plus i am joining a gym ( yes i am) which will automatically reduce my count ( Exercise has that effect on me ). 

I wish them all the best as i sign off.

 PS:  A line just in case it makes people think. Stop using plastic bags for shopping.. If u do use them, use the same bag to stuff as many goods as possible.. Please dont get a new bag for every second thing u buy.

Dont judge a book by its Cover..

How many of you, my faithful readers , have felt like shit when you let someone down? Or even worse when you feel that you are giving someone a raw deal and the other person doesnt even realise it? I have , and i havent felt worse. That someone else is satisfied with the lousy product that i have to offer should not be reason enough to let them have it, especially when you know that there are better things available and they have a lower price to pay. Think about it , it is valid pretty much in all walks of life, business is after all just a formalisation of the relationships that were once normal human ones. I have been guilty of the same a couple of times and it has given me no satisfaction (actually it has given me guilt and remorse more than anything else).

Thankfully when it was not business , i was always able to tell the people involved that i care too much to let them get a raw deal. That even though they think that i can offer the best in the world, i rank myself pretty lowly on a scale of 1 t o10 ( a measly 3, that too coz i cant get myself to think of me as a 2). If any of you have seen “A shark tale” , i feel like Oscar the shark killer , when he gets undue attention and knows that he is living in a world that is built on lies, false images and a fake fish that doesnt exist.

I have once again done it. I have let another person i love down, and it has broken me in more ways than one. The fact that they dont understand that i cant continue to deliver on an image of me that is not reality saddens me, but i can live with that than letting the person hate me when they see me for what i am.

Indian guys are a crazy lot. most of them are braggarts and selfish bastards to the core ( i am too but not all the time). The few that are not, are lost in the teeming millions that this country is. If only things were different. If only i was someone i am not. If only i could have been the package i seem to promise i am.. Thats a lot of if’s and none of them are positive..

Forgive me friends and foes who might have purposefully or otherwise wronged.. I didnt know at that point of time that it would end up like the way it has.. I might not have done it then, or if i had , i would have told you the reason why. And always remember “Dont judge a Book by its Cover !!!”

PS: I know that my posts are becoming a little serious, but then it tends to follow me. 🙂 )

Abstract Hints…

How do you adjust with something that is a life changing experience? I dont know how many of you have had one of those.. Myself, i expected my mugging to be something like that but it wasnt.. The only thing it changed was that i couldnt play football when i wanted to for the college tournament..

Today my friend talked about one of his that also seemingly should have been life changing , but all he could think of was if his insurance would cover his education loan.. The lack of a world war, a nuclear bombing, an amazing invention and any interesting pseudo movement has left our generation without true rebels, because they have not much to be pissed off about..

Life changing experiences, maybe like Ashoka on the battlefield, like Zidane in the Final match of his life, like chicken little and the acorn that fell on his head, i wish i had one of those.. What are the chances ? Not very good, but then who knows a surprise could be round the corner.. With my life for the next two years pretty much charted out for the next two years, Doha a definite stepping stone to what i dream will be a spectacular career, my reputation of a loner changing to a Casanova from college to work( I have been linked with 5 women in 6 months including a very cute ,veggie, canadian indian), things just seem to be taking off.. The direction i know not, but it seems pretty much certain that like my goldfish ,content in his bowl, it doesnt actually matter.. With april looming up ahead, when something i hold dear will reach its defining moment, my blog is going to contain a lot more rants, a lot more crazy vague ideas and a lot of abstract hinting at things you think you know..

The fact that my blog has reached 1500 hits , and seems to be generating some sort of interest among friends has put me in a predicament while adding to the pleasure of being recognised.. I cant put in anything in its actual concrete form , and i have to answer questions about the vague hints i leave.. To all of you , the hints are supposed to be interpreted in a positive way, but with a certain amount of doubt that can he actually go that far? Or is he crazy enough to take that jump ?

Signing off, my name in hindi looks like a thumbs up , an inverted question mark waving a flag, seen behind a clothes line… ( This comes from a Hindi pandit who has the funniest of accents)

I surrender…

Ok , this ones on smoking… It is a revived composition of one of those days when the world looked a lil too bleak..

The delicate feel in my fingers..
The taste rolling off my tongue..
In the air smoke slowly curls..
Ah! each time what feeling it unfurls..

It kills me slowly they say..
Well i am in no hurry to die of today..
Nicotine has me in a hold so tight..
I dont even put up a fight..

Tar will blacken my lungs someday..
Someday i will also fade away..
But death seems so far far away..
Maybe i’ll have just one more today..

This one and the next and the one after that..
Each one to ashes turn so fast..
Nicotine has me in a hold so tight..
I dont even put up a fight..

( I am now putting up a fight.. one i lose everyday but i aint done yet..)

Remember Me, When i Leave..

Donot weep for me when i leave..
With false laments dont u decieve..
For nor ur tears nor ur cries will i hear..
I’ll leave you my memories to bear..
If at some gathering my name be uttered..
I hope no skeletons be from closets recovered..
Let not my name be used for some dogma insane..
Just let me be known as a guy nice and plain..
For on this stage we call the world..
My act is a pantomime absurd..
Not a masterpiece or a work of art..
Just an attempt to elegantly depart..
Consider not mine nihlism extreme..
Am just a dreamer living his dream..
A psychedelic singer out of tune..
A hopeless romantic under the moon..
In the labyrinth of time infinite..
Give me a place as u feel right..
When i am finally out of sight..
Remember me i hope u might..

When the reason finds You..

We find reasons for all things we do..
Mundane logic and crazy meanings new..
From our leaps of faith to our silliest act..
We try and support it with stupid fact..

But what do you do when the reason finds you..
All that you needed suddenly becomes true..
You dont control the actions anymore..
Smile even when someone slams the door..

The reason becomes your only sight..
Your destiny , your call , your day and your night..
Everyday becomes a dreamy haze..
Every night goes by at a slow , creeping pace..

Logic and facts go out the window..
You forget things that you never did know..
Because life takes no more the course fatefully due..
When out of nowhere, the reason finds you…

A Longing Unknown..

A desire so deep it is unseen..
A wish so pure as any that could have been..
An abstract thought of the vaguest form..
A dream , want, a need unsaid..

Where do i go, what do i do..
Questions many answers few..
Rage of angels and mercy of demons..
Headlong i fall or float i know not..

Life turns and twists in riddles..
Puzzles unfold and memory tumbles..
Oft repeated pain i see..
Silence i seek and darkness greets me..

The end to a tunnel or a void gaping..
The oyster mine is for the taking..
Rambled thoughts in random space..
Pixeled to haunt in that dizzying haze..

Poor St. Valentine..

I am still undecided on the existance of any such person.. If indeed he was alive once upon a time in a land far far away, i wish his soul peace.. He would be spinning in his grave right now if he could see the sham that is pulled every year , year after year in his name.. I applaud archies , hallmark or whichever company it was that so beautifully created a day for professing your undying love for a person who:  

1. already knows u love him/her
2. Doesnt know and doesnt really care about it
3. Is completely unaware of ur existence.
4. My personal favorite , love for the celbrity who is all you see (not because of a day dreaming issue, but because the celebrity is plastered all over billboards and is promoting everything from toothpaste to a jumbo jet).. 

If you need a day to profess your love, i feel sorry for you.. If anything love must be spontaneous , not pushed onto you by some company trying to make a fast buck. Guys, trust me , any girl will be more impressed with that unexpected box of chocolates or a teddy bear for no apparent reason than the card and a dozen red roses that seem to be standard on V Day..

And i feel sorry for the poor guys/gals who rush around town looking for something different , something that will make their gift more valuable, more memorable than what veeru gives basanti.. In business different almost always means a bigger hole in your purse, which is also something leftover by some guy who has a bigger wallet or a fatter paycheck..

All said i am not against love, shout it from the rooftops i say , but not because the rule of the day dictates you to.. Do it because you want to.. As the tag line to a friend of mine goes “All you need is love , _____________” ( The blank can be filled anyway you like 😉 )

Scribllings VIII

Time heals all wounds they say.. I agree to it mostly.. But sometimes some of those wounds fester, puss and have decided they wont go away.. And here i am not writing about any personal wounds.. These are things that indians heap upon themselves..  Our chalta hai way of life has led to an India that is bed ridden with ugly truths we tend to ignore.. “chalta hai “, “swalpa adjust maadi” , “let it be” – i am sick and tired of hearing these words.. There is a limit to tolerance.. And we as individuals know our personal limits pretty well.. but as a nation we let everything be.. When a group of brainwashed monkeys hit people in the most commercial city in India for not being “mumbaikers” , that limit is broken.. When some wine drinking french decide that Sikhs cant wear turbans that limit is broken.. When some monkey (or was it maa ki…..) australian calls us indians racist that limit is broken.. Only difference is , the first case evoked the least of reactions , while it should have been the highest priority.. Nobody, and i mean nobody can tell me that i cant stay in a city coz i hail from a village, a district, a state outside it.. Why ? Because India is a fu**ing Democracy thats why.. We are pretty unified in calling Americans bad names when they walk into new countries , every now and then.. We are unified in our ill placed hatred against the Pakistan cricket team.. Why do we bear it silently when an Indian who leads a pack of wolves in saffron garb lets loose a frentic destruction on their own , neighbours, coworkers and fellow indians??? Why???